Ever since what had really happened to me 2 years ago...
I had really think back...
I had really think hard of life and death...
I had really think hard of my family...
Sometimes, I just felt that the care which I should get has been subsiding...
The loneliness within my heart has increased...
Seeing the clique which sometimes I think I should be with, enjoying among themselves...
Which envied me...
Felt like naming them, but I can't...
They were once my friends...
Now, I felt that they're not treating me like one...

My loneliness grew ever since primary school...
But that doesn't really mean it is really part of my life...
Sometimes, I just really, really need to lend a ear, a patient ear to hear me out...
Most of my time is really quiet so people don't really know what I'm thinking about...
My character is sometimes very strange too...
I don't feel cheerful anymore...
It's just serious all my way through...
The 'cheerfulness' are not what exactly it is...

Like I said, seeing a clique after another...
Really does make me jealous, envious and also...disappointed...
My heart is heavy, filled with loneliness and hatred bit by bit, day by day...
Seeing my life is going to fall below the X-axis and Y-axis...
The unfairness starts to come...
It brought my moral even lower...
It does not show on my face, it does reflect in my heart...deeply...
Not a word of encouragement, not even a smile or pat on the shoulder...
Telling me: "Hold on there...you must persevere..."
None of these comes...
After fighting my life for all these years, no appreciation at all...
All I got was prejudices...
Bad nicknames, negative words behind my back...
No one knows how much pain(physically & psychologically) I had fought through, or I am fighting through...
This clique, seeing them enjoying themselves, always make me feel that I'm being left out...
All I want is to spend some time with them...
I want to break through my position, 'overthrow' the things that opposes me...
I want to quit...just like Rizuan...

And this is for you, Rizuan...
We had been friends for more than a year...
Most of the time, you gave me the encouragement, you brought me laughter...
There's a lot of 'Thank you" that I wanted to say to you...
I want to thank you for all the words of encouragement you gave...
I want to thank you for all the laughters you had given me as well...
I want to thank you for lending your ears to me, listening to my problems...
I want to thank you for your advices...
Upon hearing that you're going to leave us just like that, I was surprised in my heart....
Probably in the whole school, you're one of the very few best friends I'd ever have...
Most of the time, when I met problems or troubles, your advices and laughters always cheer me up...
You've helped me a lot...
Waving you farewell, is one of the very tough things to do...
After you leave, I'm going to be more lonely...
Lonely than ever...
How I wish I can give you a really big buddy hug...
I remembered the first time we chatted with each other, full of engrossment in the things we chatted...
I won't forget that moment...
I reall want to thank you, Rizuan!
Thank you very much!
I wish you, able to find your future dream, excel in life and family, most importantly, take good care of yourself...
We won't know when we'll be able to meet again...
But hopefully we will be able to meet up again!

Just a few days back, my wound surroundings started again...
The pain has haunted me day and night...
'Washed' my face with tears almost every night...
Somehow, I don't know why...
Something kept telling me that, I have to stop this already...
I don't want to suffer anymore of this nonsense anymore...
I want to push this pain away...
I want to end here, is very demoralising...
The pain I have, is not what anyone can feel...
Pain in health, pain in life, pain in family, pain in everything...
Sometimes, I really, really had enough of all these nonsense...
The more i want to drew myself back, the more I want to push myself forward again, towards the cliff in my mind, jump it off and that's it...
Total shut down...
I have no clique to follow...
Follow my own instinct, my own body...
No true friends...
The more work I do, the more I felt is being unappreciated...
What for being over-responsible...
Make my life and body miserable...
It's just kill me...
Always ended myself in hospital...
Recalling all the bad incidents in the past...
Being lonely, sometimes, on the ward bed...
No one to talk to...

I know I'm not well-liked in school, by some people...
Because of my seriousness, my strictness...
Also people avoided me because of other reasons...
Sometimes, I tried to console myself that these people are not mature enough, i should forgive them...
But after awhile, these crazy thoughts came back again...
Being deserted...being left out...being lonely again...
Words and actions affected me easily...
I'm easily break down due to this as well...

What happened during my 18th birthday also affected me a lot...negatively...
The most important person in my life...did something which I did not enjoy my birthday for the rest of the period...
I was very disappointed...
A movie won't cheer me up...
Laughter won't cheer me up...
Words won't cheer me up...
More sad things happened...
I broke down...I could no longer take it anymore...
Of all birthdays I had, that was the most tragic one I'd ever had...
Life is starting to get unfair with me...
How I wish I can fight back...

For the past few weeks, I know I haven't been blogging...
Troubles being hidden in my heart for so long that, I could really blog them out now...
Now is 2.31am...
Apparently, I'm in no good mood to sleep...
It's just amazing that i exploded everything out of my heart just like that...
I don't know what I'm doing...I just want to flare out anything that has been stucking in my heart, filling with troubles...
Think I should stop here, the more I say, the more crazy I'll get, the more people I'll offend...
How I wish these would end...

Hey everyone!!!
I'm in a camp now...
Having my day 0 as I'm part of the committee...
Kind of tired now...haha...
I just had another camp a few days ago...
Very fun as I was the camper...
Previously, my committee and I was trying for the night walk...
Though it was like 10 people per group but the girls were still really scared...
It was torturing as the talkie-walkies were really sucky and we have to keep testing it by getting people to go to other places within the school...
Okay, I just had my bathe...
Going to sleep soon...

Got to go le...bye...

Last night, when I was on my bed...
Before I could even fall asleep...
In my mind, I kept thinking of Life & Death...
What will happen if one of my parents passed away?
What will happen if my silblings passed away?
What will happen if I passed away?
I just don't know why all these thoughts came into my mind...
It just happened...
Tears start rolling in my eyes as I kept on thinking further and further...
I wanted to stop thinking but I couldn't...
It just felt so strange and annoying...

Today, something just troubles me again...
I wanted to stay overnight for the camp...
But due to my health problem, I was banned to...
Unless I could think of other solution...
I don't know what's happening to me these days...
I feel like I'm a jerk...
A jerk whom no one will understand...
A jerk who wanted to be alone yet wanted to be surrounded by people...
A jerk who is trying to escape from reality...
A jerk who doesn't even want to care about anything or anyone...
I feel so frustrated...
I feel so sad...
Mixture of feelings within my heart...

This term break is like no term break...
Everyday fill with anything...
School work, CCA, tuition...
It's only just 2 weeks...
All my schedules going haywire...
My life is like being messed up...
Sometimes, I need a breath...
I just hope to get these over with and move onto the next semester which I thinkis much more relax...
I'm just a bit tired for this semester...
Anyway, I'll be having 2 camps for this term break...
19th - 21st & 25th - 27th...
These 2 camps have already occupied almost 1 week of my break...
Sian...
But no choice, it's just something that I like...
I, myself, won't even know when will be the next time that I'll be blogging again...
Anyway, I haven't been blogging...
This blog is like dead...
Hope to blog asap...

Got to go le...bye...

Sometimes, I will feel really stress, at the same time, I want to let this be a different experience for me...
Family...
CCA(s)...
Job...
Education...
It has been a very harsh experience for me for the past 2-3 weeks...
I can't believe that I can squeeze all my things at one go...
It's just amazing...
Haha...
I'll be taking down the tagboard soon...
As well as all my particulars, but I will not forget my friends...
This blog will be extinct soon as I may not have the mood to continue...
So...
*Haiz*...

Got to go le...bye...

Guess I have not been blogging for 'ages' already...
Don't really have much time for blogging...
Sometimes I just wonder if I should continue...
Sometimes, I even feel like I'm not appreciated...
When I was the follower of certain team/group...
I appreciated all my leaders hardwork...
But when I'm a leader of a certain group...
I guided them, I followed their suggestion...
In the end, we got good results...
But sometimes I just don't feel that appreciative...
Like I planned so many things, I worked with my members whenever they need help, I try not to leave anyone out, make sure everyone has a job to do...
Sometimes I was thinking, have I done anything wrong?

"To Be A Good Leader, You Have To Be A Good Follower."
This phrase was given by my father when I was still in secondary school...
Another phrase I learnt from one of my PE teacher was that: "One must always ask himself this question: "Am I doing the right thing or the wrong thing?""
These 2 phrases has always been in my mind...
It has always been part of my life...
That's why I have to be self-disciplined...
Since primary school, I have been learning...
All the experiences I had, taught me a lot in life...
In secondary school, I tell myself, no vulgarities...
No matter how tough life is, I won't scold a single vulgarity...
Eventually, I taught all my friends how we should react to situations...
What mindset we should be carrying with us...
Maturity doesn't come that easy...
One must really know the right and wrong...
Everyone know that I'm a serious person...
I seldom joke, sometimes not even joke...
I wasn't very flexible with actions and words made by my friends...
Sometimes I will tend to argue with them...
What did I do?
I called them up, apologising to them, whether I'm right or wrong...
Knowing the Way of Life is through one's experience and deed thoughtfulness...
Sometimes I'll tend to teach my friends the Way of Life...
I don't know if they appreciate my words or not...

This is my character, you want to make friends with me...
You had better be self-disciplined too...

This is my character, punctuality...
If we are going to meet up at a certain timing, do be punctual, if not, I'll leave first...

This is my character, responsibility...
I will always make sure that I've completed my stuffs before the due date...
You had better be responsible for your own things as well...

This is my character, no foolish comments towards others...
I will not comment on things when I don't even have the basic knowledge...

This is my character, appreciative...
Imagine the hardwork which others had put in more than yourselves...

This is my character, to be when I am supposed to be...
Be serious when you are supposed to be, work hard, play hard...

This is my character, priorities...
In order: Family, Health, Education, Work, Personal Interest...

There's lot more...
If you know me well, you'll understand why I'm like that...

Got to go le...bye...

Hey Everyone!
I just went to my school Dancesports club for a trial lesson yesterday evening...
It was really fun!!!
Well, a few people know that I wanted to learn dancesports from a very long time ago le...
It just that I've never put in any action...
So yesterday basically they just taught us a few basic steps...
You can say that I quite serious when dancing...
I like dancing, that's why...
Just like music...
Anyway, for now whether I'm a member of NPDS or not, I'll make this a secret...
Why?
Because of one person...
This is my code of music, I'm sure you all have seen this in my msn personal message before...
I think it's really nice...

***Music*** :::: Woodwind---Brass---Percussion :::: Soprano---Alto---Tenor---Baritone :::: Latin---Ballroom :::: ***Music***

Just want to wish myself all the best in the future!

Got to go...bye...

Hi everyone!
It has been quite some time since I last blog...
Anyway, CCA Fiesta and Tune-In has just over...
I really, really can be relieved at last...
During the Tune-In, you don't know how headache I was, be it physically or mentally...
I almost scared the hell out of my life...
And I'm really glad that there are sufficient instruments to cater to all Year 1s...
Really thought that I'm going to be dead meat...
During the games, I tried not to appear in the bandroom...
When comes to the practice part, it was really chaotic...
Somehow I was really got pissed off by myself for not being able to be a good Quarter Master...
I apologised if there's any mistake made during the practice...
Right now, I'm going to focus on my proposals...
Not forgetting studies as well...

Due to my tiredness, I missed out the NP Choir Concert...
Actually I wanted to go, but I'm too tired...
But I just got an invitation from Brandon that the coming tuesday, during the Dancesport, I can go in as a new joined member, just to try out the CCA...
I can't wait!!!

Got to go le...bye...