Ever since what had really happened to me 2 years ago...
I had really think back...
I had really think hard of life and death...
I had really think hard of my family...
Sometimes, I just felt that the care which I should get has been subsiding...
The loneliness within my heart has increased...
Seeing the clique which sometimes I think I should be with, enjoying among themselves...
Which envied me...
Felt like naming them, but I can't...
They were once my friends...
Now, I felt that they're not treating me like one...

My loneliness grew ever since primary school...
But that doesn't really mean it is really part of my life...
Sometimes, I just really, really need to lend a ear, a patient ear to hear me out...
Most of my time is really quiet so people don't really know what I'm thinking about...
My character is sometimes very strange too...
I don't feel cheerful anymore...
It's just serious all my way through...
The 'cheerfulness' are not what exactly it is...

Like I said, seeing a clique after another...
Really does make me jealous, envious and also...disappointed...
My heart is heavy, filled with loneliness and hatred bit by bit, day by day...
Seeing my life is going to fall below the X-axis and Y-axis...
The unfairness starts to come...
It brought my moral even lower...
It does not show on my face, it does reflect in my heart...deeply...
Not a word of encouragement, not even a smile or pat on the shoulder...
Telling me: "Hold on there...you must persevere..."
None of these comes...
After fighting my life for all these years, no appreciation at all...
All I got was prejudices...
Bad nicknames, negative words behind my back...
No one knows how much pain(physically & psychologically) I had fought through, or I am fighting through...
This clique, seeing them enjoying themselves, always make me feel that I'm being left out...
All I want is to spend some time with them...
I want to break through my position, 'overthrow' the things that opposes me...
I want to quit...just like Rizuan...

And this is for you, Rizuan...
We had been friends for more than a year...
Most of the time, you gave me the encouragement, you brought me laughter...
There's a lot of 'Thank you" that I wanted to say to you...
I want to thank you for all the words of encouragement you gave...
I want to thank you for all the laughters you had given me as well...
I want to thank you for lending your ears to me, listening to my problems...
I want to thank you for your advices...
Upon hearing that you're going to leave us just like that, I was surprised in my heart....
Probably in the whole school, you're one of the very few best friends I'd ever have...
Most of the time, when I met problems or troubles, your advices and laughters always cheer me up...
You've helped me a lot...
Waving you farewell, is one of the very tough things to do...
After you leave, I'm going to be more lonely...
Lonely than ever...
How I wish I can give you a really big buddy hug...
I remembered the first time we chatted with each other, full of engrossment in the things we chatted...
I won't forget that moment...
I reall want to thank you, Rizuan!
Thank you very much!
I wish you, able to find your future dream, excel in life and family, most importantly, take good care of yourself...
We won't know when we'll be able to meet again...
But hopefully we will be able to meet up again!

Just a few days back, my wound surroundings started again...
The pain has haunted me day and night...
'Washed' my face with tears almost every night...
Somehow, I don't know why...
Something kept telling me that, I have to stop this already...
I don't want to suffer anymore of this nonsense anymore...
I want to push this pain away...
I want to end here, is very demoralising...
The pain I have, is not what anyone can feel...
Pain in health, pain in life, pain in family, pain in everything...
Sometimes, I really, really had enough of all these nonsense...
The more i want to drew myself back, the more I want to push myself forward again, towards the cliff in my mind, jump it off and that's it...
Total shut down...
I have no clique to follow...
Follow my own instinct, my own body...
No true friends...
The more work I do, the more I felt is being unappreciated...
What for being over-responsible...
Make my life and body miserable...
It's just kill me...
Always ended myself in hospital...
Recalling all the bad incidents in the past...
Being lonely, sometimes, on the ward bed...
No one to talk to...

I know I'm not well-liked in school, by some people...
Because of my seriousness, my strictness...
Also people avoided me because of other reasons...
Sometimes, I tried to console myself that these people are not mature enough, i should forgive them...
But after awhile, these crazy thoughts came back again...
Being deserted...being left out...being lonely again...
Words and actions affected me easily...
I'm easily break down due to this as well...

What happened during my 18th birthday also affected me a lot...negatively...
The most important person in my life...did something which I did not enjoy my birthday for the rest of the period...
I was very disappointed...
A movie won't cheer me up...
Laughter won't cheer me up...
Words won't cheer me up...
More sad things happened...
I broke down...I could no longer take it anymore...
Of all birthdays I had, that was the most tragic one I'd ever had...
Life is starting to get unfair with me...
How I wish I can fight back...

For the past few weeks, I know I haven't been blogging...
Troubles being hidden in my heart for so long that, I could really blog them out now...
Now is 2.31am...
Apparently, I'm in no good mood to sleep...
It's just amazing that i exploded everything out of my heart just like that...
I don't know what I'm doing...I just want to flare out anything that has been stucking in my heart, filling with troubles...
Think I should stop here, the more I say, the more crazy I'll get, the more people I'll offend...
How I wish these would end...