Saturday, January 15, 2011
好讨厌现在的我
好想重新再来一次
好想拥有自己的世界
在学弟与学妹们的面前，我总是装着自己很自大
以为什么都懂，装着自己很有学问似的
为了埋藏某种个性，也唯有这么做
这么多年了，我还是这个样子
竟不知这么做，只会把我看成是一个大傻瓜，一个大笨蛋，一个懦夫，一个混蛋
我已经是个完完全全丢尽我全家的脸的笨长子
以为自己已经对未来有所计划
被父母盘问成那幅德行
仿佛一切一切又得重新规划
仿佛这一切看得好像和没策划一样
现在的路，我不知道应该往哪里走才是
心中有好多话想说
好想找个能够了解我的人
诉苦我的一切
好难过
好悲哀
好凄凉
四年前，我还以为那已经是我最黑暗的日子
想不到，更黑暗的还在后头
我看不破，不甘心
怨恨冷藏在心中，仿佛一辈子都走不出这个恨
My mind's unweaving/ 11:26 PM
It's been a few months...
There were a lot of times which I really wanted to blog but sometimes it's just pure laziness....
At times, when I was really helpless, I really wanted to blog but there's no way I could....
Had a few quarrels here and there and I really wanted to sound them out...
Rondeau had just ended...
How I really wish this 'thing' hadn't come...
Feel so helpless when this 'thing' comes back and so many things that I've missed...
It's not enough in Facebook....
I felt apologetic....
I felt useless...
I felt helpless....
I felt laziness....
I felt..................
In NSS, can tell that many are 'against' me, ever since that presentation....
I'm really scared right now...
Scared that I will not be able to pass this test....
Scared that I'll never be able to be determine enough to pull off....
It's my character problem again...
Because of me, I argued with my family...
Because of me, I had turned even more lazy than ever....
Because of me, I had let my own body down....
People always say, "You are born with a purpose."
Till today, I have always been thinking...
What is the purpose of my living?
Having a stubborn, strict, lazy, being proud of nothing and a timid character....
Always acting tough in front of my juniors, but in the end, I'm just a loser...
Every time, when I'm always having a gathering with my friends, they seemed to be having their own topic which I felt that I've been left out....
There's a lot of things which I have wished but it just won't turned out....
I know I'm fat....
Always giving myself excuse for not going for exercise....
I had always wanted to slim down...
No motivation, always been giving 'excuses'....that's what they always say....
Every year, I had always being afraid of buying new clothes for Chinese New Year....
Having afraid that nothing will suit me....
I'm not like my sister....
She's born pretty, nice looking face and body....
Sometimes, I would feel unfairness in my heart....
She got all the things she wanted, she got things that I wanted....
I felt jealous....of her at times.....
I even had a young uncle....
I really, really jealous of him.....
A Chinese New Year 3 years ago, was my first encounter with him....
I wanted to know him more....
Bad habits always appeared when comes to meeting nice-looking people....
I WILL get jealous....
Supposedly, these people, these jealousness should be a trigger for me, to motivate me to exercise, to motivate me to slim down...
But I just couldn't make it...
可以说是我没有用
我无耻
我懒惰
一切一切都是我自找的
我活该
可是又很后悔
即又嫉妒又憎恨
想找个知心朋友帮我
我好想好想完成我多年来的梦想
就是好好的瘦下来
这十几年来，我的心都一直无法平静下来
一直到现在，我无法找到值得我信任的朋友
告诉他我的真面目
我好想赶快成为一个扑通的人
我好想赶快平静下来
我该怎么办？
谁能来救我，开导我呢？
My mind's unweaving/ 5:26 AM
